...Perchance To Dream



One of these days:

tiled operating room with a black clock; liked the deep turquoise color of the sheets; electrodes stuck to the chest; beep...beep...beep...; spinal injections; ticklish toes; no feeling in legs; docs discussing winter sea swimming ('- does it bother you? - no'); arthroscope with a screen ('- can you see well?'); assistant solving crosswords; my knee from inside - white and cotton candy like; mechanical cutter sounds; cutter - a little animal eating its way into my tissue; bone drilling vibrations; weird feeling; no smell; (man, the power these guys need to have, they must feel really tired after operating); seeing my new ACL being pulled through the bone by a violet thread; why violet? i think the screen was b&w...; doc showing me the long white screw; lots of hard hammering and pulling; '- Finished!'; the stitches work and the burning feeling on my skin; ... I'm out of the green room.

One of these nights:

hospital pain-killer dreams; nurses reluctant to disclose the name of the stuff they inject you with (like why? so that you don't get it yourself to get high in the future? :)); i insist; 'tramadol - i so like what it does to you'; warmth and calmness; your exploding knee takes off and flies far far away; you are half awake, yet dreaming; dreaming with your eyes wide open; seeing yourself in bed from above and waiving at yourself; visiting home of your friend from kinder garden to help her with her English homework (you are not in touch for a million years); walking loads straight after the op. and super angry at yourself for that,'cause you're not yet allowed to; open your eyes; old ladies making you eat and complaining about you not doing so; nurses bringing you night fixes; tramadol + a sleeping pill - and you are gone to better places for some 10 hrs; literally your dreams are tasting sweet; all you wanna do is sleep and see stuff; sleeping day and night, for weeks; *** pain; getting home and not being able to sleep; see yourself getting rid of one of your legs and couldn't wait till the other is taken - just so that you could fall asleep; no more syringes available; stuck with insomnia.



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3 comments:

lights in the dusk said...

Is this a true story or a fiction (or a bit of both)? Sounds incredibly painful and distressing either way; hope everything's alright?

P.S. Still beautifully written of course

Olga said...

Thank you for the words of encouragement. No, this is not really fiction. (Now defining dreams as fiction or non-fiction is really where I'm getting stuck...) Everything should be better. Soon.

Paralelo Longe said...

Olga,
What you've wrote sounds like a surrealistic poem and you know why? It has strong feelings attached to the words you chose and we almost feel that we are looking at a movie scene when you describe all the environment where you stood. These thoughts remind me a dark fase you've gonne through after your accident. I'm sure these are just bad dreams now. Hugs and sweet dreams :)